Monday, 21 January 2019

REMINISCENCE


My night wasn't the typical one where I keep up with the Kardashians, journal,reach out on my book shelf or even try out a couple of recipes I got from a certain cook book (I have become a kitchen guru guys). Rather,I was unboxing my birthday presents.Happy birthday to me by the way,am a year older now, officially a young woman.I must say it was the best moment and not an easy task,as I was so eager and I had so many gifts, in case you are wondering.I also printed the text messages, email wishes and filed them somewhere.

For a minute,I was reminded of years back when I was a young girl.Remember during school days when the teacher would request us to stand up, everyone would break into a birthday song and the birthday baby would receive some gifts?Tiny, special gifts from pure hearted kids.How the teachers kept tabs on our birthdays,is still a mystery.
Growing up was always fun, everybody would agree with me.I think life was so perfect and easy, right? People were more nicer and caring.

But we now living in one sick generation,where people are heartless,mean, bitter, ungrateful, name it.People got no concern for others.God knows some don't even care for themselves.We are used to having messy lives because we ain't willing to fix anything.Breaking other people's families, stealing, destroying others and still standing on the pulpit and worshipping so hard.I think that's called hypocrisy.We also have fraudulent friends,i call them "The Judases"like they will kiss and kill you the next minute.
Do you know those people who work out religiously,eat healthy, visit the doctor often but at the end of the day hop to bed with everyone?Why though?To fill the emptiness?

See,I ain't a saint.A couple of times I have sneaked into strip clubs, like there's something about that pole that i love so much.I have also pierced my titties and I see nothing wrong with it, regardless of people always"crucifying"me.What I mean is,we all have our own devils, but we need to stop feeding them.Lets be humane and work on our inside as much we do on the outside.And I believe our hearts will shine then.

Saturday, 17 November 2018

A LETTER TO MY EX.


Many months have passed and am sure you wonder why I stopped contacting you.I know you keep checking your phone,switching it on and off,thinking you will see any text messages,missed calls or some emails.Am also sure you can't stop stalking my social media accounts.You might be asking why I went missing or most probably you think I lost your contacts.But honestly,I grew up.I know you will be surprised.i have no idea how it happened too.Because if I were the same girl,trust me I would be blowing off your phone with thousands messages a day and making excuses to see you.Yeea,I grew up.
But now I want to ask for forgiveness.


Please forgive me for loving you so hard.For being loyal and giving you my heart.Am sorry for making my world revolve around you.For sharing my dreams and always talking about our forgone future.Forgive me for treating you with respect and for being nice to your friends and family.Because Incase you didn't know,am never nice and generous to everyone.
For too long I have fought with the hatred towards you.You took me for granted and despised me.But do you know the one I hated most?The girl you replaced me with.No!You cheated with.For some weeks I was jealous.I thought she was better than me and it killed me inside.God knows my self esteem was messed.But after I saw her,some type of relief washed over me.I was nauseous and happy too.I have no idea why you chose her.I don't know what attracted you to her,but trust me,that's one type of a down grade that I have ever seen.Our different tastes are allowed though but honey?You such a joker.


I will confess that I have been receiving your emails and I feel sorry for her.I can't believe you've been emotionally cheating on her.Was I that valuable that you want me back?Or is it some kind of a trick that you usually use?Please make me understand.Does she know that she's just a rebound?That you see my face in her everytime you are together?Have you told her all the things you've been writting to me?
Honestly,I don't care and you never broke me.






From the girl you tried to break.

Wednesday, 25 July 2018

CHOICES


Am qued in this hospital, sitted on uncomfortable chairs,waiting for my turn.I have been coming here for two weeks now.Yeah,for injections and trust me,they are very painful. I can't even walk for long distances anymore.The only good thing about all this, is am on a sick leave.I now have all the time to Netflix and work on my book. Hey,I hate my job and my bossy boss.
Are doctors even human?I think it takes more than courage to be one.But in my next world,I want to be a doctor. Like it's so nice to see other peoples butt,right?And you know the best thing,you don't have to beg them to strip for you.As I glance around, I notice some patients struggling in pain.others lost in thoughts. One gentleman is stamping his feet while the lady next to him is "candy crushing".Honestly, this game knows no age,like she's in her forties!
Trust me,time travels so slowly in hospitals, such that one wishes to create their time machines. This is the time one notices that their feet have cracked, skin dried,nails chirped, etc.
So there's these set of twins who seem out of control. Full of life,they ran up and down playfully, talking loudly and laughing too much. Their mother who has been watching them for long, walks out of the room and suddenly one child shouts" Mamii unaenda choo"?This is the part where people start exchanging glances and the kid repeats the same question and not even the mother can make him stop.
This innocent question really arouses my fears.
Everyone has fears in life. Different, crazy, unknown, name it.And in as much as they bother us,they are allowed. Well,maybe not,but it's normal. I get scared every time I think about the future and considering my perfectionism fetish,things get a little bit worse.
We all get disturbing thoughts at some point, regardless of our happy, messy or poor life.We all want to have a bunch of healthy, behaved,genius kids and still have nice bodies. Stick to our partners till death do us part and grow old.
But there's always a dirty thought playing mind games with us.What if I fail raising my kids,and they turn out to be thugs and immoral? I may be unable to have kids at all,right? What will happen if I get cheated on, dumped or abused?What about dying young or loosing loved ones?
We never
have all the choices in life.In as much as we control our kids, we can't dictate their future. Praying and guidance is allowed though. We may love people but we can't force them to stay. One day they will hurt us.They will quit fighting for us and leave without an explanation and go for a better person or make a mistake and choose a dumb one.Always remember that you can't live forever,neither will you choose how to die.You can only make wishes. The lucky one's will die in their sleep, peacefully during their old age.While other's will suffer from dementia, be murdered or get knocked by a car while crossing the road.
I want you to take control of your thoughts, body and feelings. There's always a better side in everything. Have something that you believe in, a religion maybe. Avoid hurting people and love your family because they will always have your back. Choose to be happy,positive and live by the present.

Thursday, 10 May 2018

THE OTHER VERSION.


Jaden just turned a year older and am so happy for him.These are moments worth sharing and celebrating. He insisted that I should accompany him to this fancy club in town,but I had to turn him down.Like clubbing isn't my thing.Honestly, if I went to a club,I would find myself seated in one of the corners reading a book in my phone.Well,am still hunting for a birthday gift,running short of ideas though. I mean what do you get for a twenty seven year old,Choosey, silly,special, gay friend? Sorry Jade,this might take months. But i still love you.
So I decided to stay at home,in my warm bed to be precise, sipping a hot chocolate that happens to be my favorite drink,a bowl of cookies and doing something more meaningful, reviewing my new year's resolutions.There are a couple of things I have accomplished and am very proud.
I can now wear my makeup and walk confidently without feeling like a twelve year old.Thanks to YouTube and my fast learning genes.
My lifestyle is healthier although am finding it hard to work out and drink lot of water.
I have learnt to save more and spend less.Trust me,this is the hardest thing ever.I once had a notion of getting someone to manage my bank account, but am over it now.
I have gotten myself a gnacologist,you know what they say about health and wealth?
I can give a lap dance too.Well, am still working on my pole dancing skills.
I had promised that I would be writing often, but I can't keep up with that pressure. Writing isn't easy but am working on other projects.
However, I feel transformed. I keep telling my friends that my growth game is strong and they make a big fuss about it.But honestly, my inner increment is vast.Iam happy whenever i spend some me time. And trust me guys, this is healthy. Go for walks, meditate,have some picnics in the gardens or woods.You can dump the home cooking and get a nice,private restaurant, order as many courses of meals as you wish and have it alone. Pick any relaxing activity that works for you.Just give yourself some love,its healthy.
Many people don't believe in new year's resolutions. But you know what I think,a times it takes a written down note or a reminder set somewhere in order for a thing to be done.It's not late yet.

Monday, 25 September 2017

OBSESSION

Growing up wasn't hard for me,I got whatever I wanted, apart from huge gifts and expensive vacations.Well,I still receive my monthly allowances courtesy of my parents. I may not have gone to a "group of International Schools" but trust me, it was a decent one. I thought I was like other children until i started noticing some unusual behaviors. I loved neatness and perfection, which was more of exaggeration than girlish. I remember getting angry when a teacher would erase the writing board and leave some writings. I have always been a neat freak since. Some months ago, I was diagnosed with OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (O.C.D),A condition which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings or behaviors that drive them to do certain things. Sometimes it crushes me, but other times I view it as a good fortune.My case isn't serious and I always pray that it never gets out of hand. its always hard to share our experiences in life.But I decided to talk about what I go through and all the crazy things i do. I am always double checking everything.am the type of person who will wake up in the middle of the night, like two or three times to check if the gas cooker or electricity is switched off. so the next time am late for an appointment or a date, its probably because I went back home to confirm if I had locked my door. something that i do very time.I talked to my mum about this but she brushed it Off. Water is my best friend,Yeah literally. I am always taking showers many times a day and washing my hands every time I touch something.Sometimes my hands get affected because of too much water. When it comes to arranging things like shoes,clothes and utensils, I like to do it perfectly and in a certain way,after doing laundry, I ensure to use clothes pegs of the same color.I have no problem with this and that's why i keep on saying that O.C.D is divine.I have also wanted everything to be even ; Like when I trip and hurt my leg, i will have to hit the other leg.I know its funny, but you know the cutest thing here? I am obsessed by number three.I prefer purchasing things in threes or the ones that are packed in threes.Surprisingly when I am tapping someone or something , I have to do it three times.Honestly, I dont know whats cute about this. i hate sharing my personal things and i cant stand when people get in contact with my bedding's.I hate public washrooms and vehicles too. When am going up or down the stairs,I make sure to count them,and if I get distracted while in the process,I have to start from the first staircase.When i see decorated tiles or foot paths,I create my own imaginary pattern and walk believing it will bring me luck. The scariest thing about this condition is that it gives one intrusive thoughts.I am always thinking of bad things happening to my loved ones; and i keep on getting a feeling that if am there with them, nothing bad would happen.I get to assume that everything I think about must happen and all these circumstances makes me feel different from others. To all my O.C.D friends,talk and write about it.Have fun and seek help,its never a curse.

Monday, 10 April 2017

HEAVEN AND EARTH “In the beginning was word and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made without him nothing was made that has been made”. The concentration was high, all eyes glued to the vicar. He was tall handsome and wore a pair of nice glasses His voice was so loud and with a bass requiring him to ignore the mic. one could notice his well-built body underneath the fitting navy blue suit. WOW! I didn’t know vicars worked out too. He used gestures., While preaching I couldn’t help but detect a ring on his finger. He was married and am sure his wife is the luckiest of the women. Yeah, to have a God fearing man in the house. He seemed genuine to me. Its been months since I went to church. Twelve, eighteen or twenty-four months to be precise. Don’t judge me yet, I always read my bible, say a word of prayer and do what’s right. Am a strong believer in Christianity. The church service was distracted by a sharp, continues cry of a child from the back seats not far from where I was seated. The congregation seemed annoyed as they even started to murmur. I couldn’t hold back and just like others, I had to see what was happening. The crying child was seated on her mother’s lap, who happened to be pregnant. It looked tiny and both wore tattered clothes which danced to the rhythm of the wind. I think in this era of internet and poor economy; people should have the knowledge of pregnancy precautions. Well, that wasn’t my concern. But there was something about this needy, young mother, she had a familiar face. Being Brenda, I may be nosy but I never forget easily. Her name is Sophie, we went to the same high school and she was a bully. She would call me names, take my properties and make fun of me because I couldn’t perform better in class like her. She made my life miserable. Have you met people who think they know everything in life but actually know nothing? Am sure you have, that’s Sophie for you. Surprisingly she was the teachers crown, getting away with everything. No one understood the kind of charm she used on them.it worked very well though. For some minutes I felt very happy. Gosh! she looked like hell. Very old and desperate. what was she doing in church? Finding solace? quenching her spiritual thirst? Our eyes met and i felt that she recognized me, I wanted to shout and tell her that I made it in life. can I forgive her? someone said that there was special place in hell for mean girls.my thoughts were diverted by the vicar’s ending words “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all the virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Anyone who does wrong will be repaid for his wrong, and there is no favoritism’’.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

THE DECEIVING LOOKS
My weekend wasn’t fun at all. Well, I got a chance to hang around with my girls, but we didn’t do the usual shopping, gossiping and selfie taking thing. Rather we discussed about serious issues affecting women. I then talked to different ladies on the streets about their lives and researched more about the valued and top rated renown personalities. Honestly, it was quite a mission. But I also acquired a name from my friends a “feminist wannabe”.We have all faced problems in life ,right? Some give up while others fight to very end. I think it’s the outcome that matters. How its molded us positively. But what happens when these circumstances force us to live a lie? Like a con artist? Or in the mistaken identity cases? Many might ask. I live like a queen and am sure many women would kill to be associated with me.I own expensive cars,posh,houses,I get to travel everywhere whenever I want ,my kids are in the best luxurious school in the world and I have the best husband ever. I have everything money can buy. I could say that am a 1st class kind of a lady. Living a perfect life has been my dream, where everyone envies me.i have hated mediocrity and weak people, but sometimes I feel as if I have no emotions at all. Maybe it’s because of my upbringing which was scarely and full of trauma. Recently, I have been craving for something unusual. I want to be free, free from myself. I miss my kids and my marriage is falling apart .am tired of acting strong and happy to everyone. That was Karen.Well,even the rich cry. Sarah’s story wasn’t different at all. She is a beautiful lady who has gone through many surgeries to perfect her body in order to keep her modelling job. “I have always loved to model, but I didn’t have any idea it’s going to be this demanding. I might be damaging my body but the pay cheque is more important. I don’t recognize myself any more. People are always happy for me on the run way, cheering and calling my name. But don’t you think it’s painful, sad and obscene to live such kind of life? I have had silicones implants in my breasts for five years and my body is always “butchered” every month. Just for a contract? A times we envy people and think highly of them without knowing the kind of monster pricking them from inside. They say you shouldn’t judge a woman unless you’ve been in her shoes or her scarf, so whom am I to judge?