18 : MY FORGONE LOVE

Do you find yourselves reminiscing and making wishes? Most probably wondering why a specific thing never occured or regretting why it occured.And maybe hating yourself for the decision you made that has finally changed everything.You can't even share it because you are afraid of people thinking you are a loser,right?But then again you roll your eyes,snap your fingers,curse out loudly and convince yourself that it was bound to happen and life happens all the time anyway.
If life never happened,I would be touring the world,living in some expensive villas,making injeras(my love for injera is on another level) and married to Tesfay,an Eritrean hunk of a guy whom I dated for a while.He was rich in love and had made it clear that he wanted me for a wife.Never hesitated to introduce me to his family.Tey,as I would call him,was appealing in all aspects.He's the only man I know who understood the importance of candlelighted dinners in a woman's life.He used to pick me up every Saturday,go for shopping and everytime we would argue whether to go to movies first or an eatout.We would later pick up some spicy food and drive so far away listening to Arabic music.He would make sure to hold my hand and sing along everytime.
The next time a person tells you nothing last forever,please believe them.Things went South and our love hit the rocks.You wondering what happened?who cheated on who,right?No one,I just couldn't handle the commitments,considering I was so young,I felt the pressure was to much.Getting married and having babies at a young age has never been my thing.I had to set him free and trust me,it never ended so we'll.I broke him so much.
I thought everything would be normal but my life fell apart and my heart been ripped since.I have gone for so many dates but I just can't stand the guys,had a few one-night stands but trust me that didn't work either.I can't stop envying the love birds on the streets and do you know the worst thing?Sad love songs that hit so hard when am alone.Jaden keep insisting that most probably men aren't my type,that I was meant to be a "vaginatarian".How am the only straight person in my circle is still a mystery.I think that's the price I will forever pay for breaking an innocent being.

17:NORMS

Apart from snores,I hate mornings.I have never been a morning person and I wonder how people do it.How do you survive your mornings?
So yesterday I had to wake up early because I was attending an interview.Not just an ordinary one but with the biggest media firms in Nairobi,who've been in need of a gossip columnist.Thanks to Jade,he's heaven sent.You all remember Jaden,right?
Did I mention that I hate interviews?I mean this is the only place that you will sit silently,pretending that you are calm and let a group of people sort of make fun of you.I once attended one and this guy wanted to know if I had kids and proceeded to ask if I was expectant.He didn't seem to buy my answers though,so he kept pushing and others were laughing.It was creepy and insulting.
If you don't own a car,then you probably know how frustrating it is to use matatus in the mornings.Dirty-wet seats,foul smelling and moody passengers.Not forgetting the loud music.My question has always been how the driver is able to identify the different genre to play and in specific time.Like we will listen to gospel music in the morning,hip-hop in the midday to reggae/dancehall in the evening.Am a big sucker for Tank and I listen to him everytime I get a chance to.I think that's a definition of real loyalty.
Seated next to me was a guy who was playing some games in his phone while cursing everytime he lost and received glares from a woman across,who kept glancing at her watch very often There's also this lady who was asleep,how people get the comfort to sleep during short journeys still shocks me.
The ambiance suddenly changed when the radio was turned on and there was a heated argument between these two gentlemen in a certain show.My wishes of wanting a female in that show,still need to be taken care of.They were talking about what women are/aren't supposed to do.Callers were crazily giving their opinions and using all sort of irritating words.
Ever been a victim of sexism?Have you met a group of guys fighting and one tells another to stop being a" woman/acha umama"?I have and i think it's sad and depressing to live in an era where people are so ignorant.
Where it's considered okay for a grown man to live with his mother and depend on his family,because apparently guys are supposed to be close to their mothers. Isn't it what we say?We also call them eligible bachelors,right?Did you know that it's "okay"for them to sleep around?
But it's always an issue to unmarried women or who don't want to get married.And we keep asking them when they will have babies.They are slut shamed because of having too much sex and talking about sexuality.Dear men,we are also in need of amazing orgasms and a choice/voice when it comes to our bodies.
Women have a right to dress to their choice,it's about whatever that makes them feel good.Its shameful to judge a woman's body and not cool at all to accuse them of greed for money or label them as opportunistic when they are working really hard for it.Because just like men we also deserve to have a good life.
We've all seen strong women,females who can do "men" jobs,who play sports(which is so underrated).So,let's empower them and respect single mothers.Because they're our mothers,daughters,wives,in-laws and friends.I understand atimes you feel intimidated by them.
To all ladies,never entertain stereotypical remarks from men nor take them lightly.
And if you still think that a woman's place is in the kitchen:to cook,clean,look good for men and kneel down on the doorstep waiting for you to come home at midnight,then we will really want to question who raised you.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

"Not all parents are good people nor good at parenting".I'm sure you're all aware of this saying.And we've heard many crazy stories about parents from hell,right?
I won't lie to you.I have the best parents in the universe.And today being about motherhood,I will give you a glimpse of my mum.

She's more than a gem with the purest heart ever,i think I got that from her.I would call her an angel.She tries her best to understand me and I think she's the only person who's ever been patient with me.
Can I tell you a secret?I stopped bed wetting when I was a big girl,like a very big one,weird you think?But she was waiting religiously,without pressuring.Always there to dry my beddings and to wash my clothes.Well,she still does my laundry.
She's always the first person I call when things aren't okay.From when am having a flu,cramping to whatever advise I need.She has made herself reliable and still makes everyone feel comfortable whenever interacting with her.
She's that person who will call to remind me to take a glass of milk daily and give me a scolding if I ain't feeding well.She has taught me about life,done so many things and still doing.Live long mum.

We all deserve loving mothers and it's our duty to show appreciation.Give them a call often,buy some gifts maybe and just make their lives easier
Some might have left us and I know it hurts."But" it doesn't matter".Just talk out loud,they always listen.We all have a mother.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL DESERVING MOTHERS.

DEAR FUTURE HUSBAND

I ain't sure if we've already met,but if we have,then it might be a good thing,right?Probably you are in some country saving lives,making music,playing basketball,flying aeroplane's(I love planes) or you already married to this woman who didn't deserve you and you will leave her for me,it happens.
Many have either accused me of being a hard nut to crack and a wild/freaky person.They also describe me as a perfectionist,but cmon,what do you expect from a Capricorn woman?
Well,I wouldn't want you to have high expectations rather am requesting you to be patient with me for am a demanding human being.Yes I know it's a selfish thing and it's allowed,once in a while.
I can't get enough of cuddles,I even have this friend who calls me a puppy.Like I don't care if you are using your hands to do something or you are sleepy,we will definitely do the cuddling.
You should know that am always craving for attention.We all need our alone time,you are human too and I understand.But it won't hurt you to call and send some flirty texts when we ain't together.I know you will be looking forward to spend some time with your boys during the weekends,but remember as your woman,I will need a couple of hours with you.And we can do anything from watching a movie,reading a book,going to a dance class,feeding the pets to stargazing at night.Please never in your life call me a clingy girl.
I want to confess that I ain't a good cook,but honestly I try.And am sorry I wasn't taught about a woman's place being in the kitchen.So we have to help each other .Also expect to nurse some wounds because am careless with the knives and I tend to burn my fingers everytime am cooking.I enjoy trying new dishes though.However,I promise to help in other areas:our finances,giving you advises,being the best mother to our babies and did I mention that am good in cleaning and arranging/organizing things?Am also very good with people,I think am the warmest person alive.
Am a vocal female and I prefer people who can talk.So let's talk about anything and everything.Tell me your thoughts on politics,parenting,current economy,my weight,our issues,the beautiful girl you have a crush on,the cor-worker you picked a fight with or your bossy boss.So everytime I want to know how your day was,don't think am nagging you.
I don't know how everything will happen or the span of all that union but with me,am sure you will be a lucky man.

From your your future wife.

HINTS.

I really have this habit of ditching home cooked meals and take aways,rather I prefer eating out.Like there's something about sitting alone in a restaurant that is satisfying.So yesterday I went to my favorite fast food joint in town.It wasn't over crowded nor noisy,just as my preference.This means I had all the time to check my horoscope(this has been my ritual for some years now)and also read a book that I started not long ago(BECOMING MICHELLE OBAMA)thanks to Lucy my very good friend.This book ought to be read,especially by every woman.

So there's this old guy,in his sixties probably,who comes over and sits next to me.He has two bottles of soda and a smile on his face.He even says hi to me,something that makes me happy because that's how conversations start.I hate restaurant conversations but this a different type of a thing because it's with a stranger.An elderly stranger,who isn't hitting on me rather might knock some sense in my young brain.
I have so many elderly friends,something that shocks so many people especially my mum and she keeps on asking how I do it.I don't even know how it happens.I think am lucky and that's one of the best thing you can have,an eighty or more older granny sitting you down and talking about relationships and anything related to life.They are always honest and will never hide anything from you.

My old stranger sitted next to me kept sipping his soda and still held the other bottle.Something that made it weird,as if he was afraid it would vanish.For some minutes I thought the guy had dimentia.Trust me,I have dealt with a grand father with the condition and I know their behaviours.Sadly he passed away and I usually miss him.
He kept on checking his watch and glancing at me. Well, I had to ask him if he was in a hurry or waiting for someone.And with a huge smile he answered that he was waiting for someone special and took another sip.I couldn't question him anymore rather I decided to wait.And boom,the special person arrived.It was h

is wife and from the conversation they were having,I realized that their bond wouldn't be broken anytime soon.

As I was leaving the restaurant,I was thinking of so many things and I realized that love is underrated nowdays.Am a lover of love and I always get excited when people share their love stories.True love,real love,whatever name you want to call it.I think everybody wants love because it's a good and godly thing that makes our lives happier.
In as much as love is a strange and strong feeling that can't be forced.i believe hardwork is required.Or else how will the honeymoon stage be maintained.I have loved,like for more than ninety four million seconds and I always hear his voice and smell him almost everywhere.And am still loving.


But my question has always been,if lovers outgrow each other.I know friends do.And am sorry to all my friends because it might happen someday.Regardless of being tight,we have different dreams,visions,ideas and also we mature differently.I have had friends whom we've hanged out together for years and suddenly we couldn't click anymore.Like opinions on our things started to differ and that was the death of our friendship.
I have never forced people to respect my beliefs and that's why I will call it quits when it's start swaying.If you can't respect my lifestyle(from my dressing,hangouts to what am/not supposed to consume),you can't respect my relationships,you keep talking ill of the disabled regardless of your age,you continuously judge and act as if you are the angel of death to people's religion and the gay community(the LGBT in general)don't get me wrong,am very straight but I have much love and respect for this group.

We might have drifted apart with some friends but this doesn't make us bad people.But for my romantic relationship,I want us grow together.I want him to wait for me in a restaurant with a big smile and let everybody know that he's waiting for someone special.
If we share the same,let's pray in order to stick with what's serves us.

REMINISCENCE

My night wasn't the typical one where I keep up with the Kardashians, journal,reach out on my book shelf or even try out a couple of recipes I got from a certain cook book (I have become a kitchen guru guys). Rather,I was unboxing my birthday presents.Happy birthday to me by the way,am a year older now, officially a young woman.I must say it was the best moment and not an easy task,as I was so eager and I had so many gifts, in case you are wondering.I also printed the text messages, email wishes and filed them somewhere.

For a minute,I was reminded of years back when I was a young girl.Remember during school days when the teacher would request us to stand up, everyone would break into a birthday song and the birthday baby would receive some gifts?Tiny, special gifts from pure hearted kids.How the teachers kept tabs on our birthdays,is still a mystery.
Growing up was always fun, everybody would agree with me.I think life was so perfect and easy, right? People were more nicer and caring.

But we now living in one sick generation,where people are heartless,mean, bitter, ungrateful, name it.People got no concern for others.God knows some don't even care for themselves.We are used to having messy lives because we ain't willing to fix anything.Breaking other people's families, stealing, destroying others and still standing on the pulpit and worshipping so hard.I think that's called hypocrisy.We also have fraudulent friends,i call them "The Judases"like they will kiss and kill you the next minute.

Do you know those people who work out religiously,eat healthy, visit the doctor often but at the end of the day hop to bed with everyone?Why though?To fill the emptiness?

See,I ain't a saint.A couple of times I have sneaked into strip clubs, like there's something about that pole that i love so much.I have also pierced my titties and I see nothing wrong with it, regardless of people always"crucifying"me.What I mean is,we all have our own devils, but we need to stop feeding them.Lets be humane and work on our inside as much we do on the outside.And I believe our hearts will shine then.

A LETTER TO MY EX.

Many months have passed and am sure you wonder why I stopped contacting you.I know you keep checking your phone,switching it on and off,thinking you will see any text messages,missed calls or some emails.Am also sure you can't stop stalking my social media accounts.You might be asking why I went missing or most probably you think I lost your contacts.But honestly,I grew up.I know you will be surprised.i have no idea how it happened too.Because if I were the same girl,trust me I would be blowing off your phone with thousands messages a day and making excuses to see you.Yeea,I grew up.
But now I want to ask for forgiveness.


Please forgive me for loving you so hard.For being loyal and giving you my heart.Am sorry for making my world revolve around you.For sharing my dreams and always talking about our forgone future.Forgive me for treating you with respect and for being nice to your friends and family.Because Incase you didn't know,am never nice and generous to everyone.
For too long I have fought with the hatred towards you.You took me for granted and despised me.But do you know the one I hated most?The girl you replaced me with.No!You cheated with.For some weeks I was jealous.I thought she was better than me and it killed me inside.God knows my self esteem was messed.But after I saw her,some type of relief washed over me.I was nauseous and happy too.I have no idea why you chose her.I don't know what attracted you to her,but trust me,that's one type of a down grade that I have ever seen.Our different tastes are allowed though but honey?You such a joker.


I will confess that I have been receiving your emails and I feel sorry for her.I can't believe you've been emotionally cheating on her.Was I that valuable that you want me back?Or is it some kind of a trick that you usually use?Please make me understand.Does she know that she's just a rebound?That you see my face in her everytime you are together?Have you told her all the things you've been writting to me?
Honestly,I don't care and you never broke me.






From the girl you tried to break.

CHOICES

Am qued in this hospital, sitted on uncomfortable chairs,waiting for my turn.I have been coming here for two weeks now.Yeah,for injections and trust me,they are very painful. I can't even walk for long distances anymore.The only good thing about all this, is am on a sick leave.I now have all the time to Netflix and work on my book. Hey,I hate my job and my bossy boss.
Are doctors even human?I think it takes more than courage to be one.But in my next world,I want to be a doctor. Like it's so nice to see other peoples butt,right?And you know the best thing,you don't have to beg them to strip for you.As I glance around, I notice some patients struggling in pain.others lost in thoughts. One gentleman is stamping his feet while the lady next to him is "candy crushing".Honestly, this game knows no age,like she's in her forties!
Trust me,time travels so slowly in hospitals, such that one wishes to create their time machines. This is the time one notices that their feet have cracked, skin dried,nails chirped, etc.
So there's these set of twins who seem out of control. Full of life,they ran up and down playfully, talking loudly and laughing too much. Their mother who has been watching them for long, walks out of the room and suddenly one child shouts" Mamii unaenda choo"?This is the part where people start exchanging glances and the kid repeats the same question and not even the mother can make him stop.
This innocent question really arouses my fears.
Everyone has fears in life. Different, crazy, unknown, name it.And in as much as they bother us,they are allowed. Well,maybe not,but it's normal. I get scared every time I think about the future and considering my perfectionism fetish,things get a little bit worse.
We all get disturbing thoughts at some point, regardless of our happy, messy or poor life.We all want to have a bunch of healthy, behaved,genius kids and still have nice bodies. Stick to our partners till death do us part and grow old.
But there's always a dirty thought playing mind games with us.What if I fail raising my kids,and they turn out to be thugs and immoral? I may be unable to have kids at all,right? What will happen if I get cheated on, dumped or abused?What about dying young or loosing loved ones?
We never

have all the choices in life.In as much as we control our kids, we can't dictate their future. Praying and guidance is allowed though. We may love people but we can't force them to stay. One day they will hurt us.They will quit fighting for us and leave without an explanation and go for a better person or make a mistake and choose a dumb one.Always remember that you can't live forever,neither will you choose how to die.You can only make wishes. The lucky one's will die in their sleep, peacefully during their old age.While other's will suffer from dementia, be murdered or get knocked by a car while crossing the road.
I want you to take control of your thoughts, body and feelings. There's always a better side in everything. Have something that you believe in, a religion maybe. Avoid hurting people and love your family because they will always have your back. Choose to be happy,positive and live by the present.

THE OTHER VERSION.

Jaden just turned a year older and am so happy for him.These are moments worth sharing and celebrating. He insisted that I should accompany him to this fancy club in town,but I had to turn him down.Like clubbing isn't my thing.Honestly, if I went to a club,I would find myself seated in one of the corners reading a book in my phone.Well,am still hunting for a birthday gift,running short of ideas though. I mean what do you get for a twenty seven year old,Choosey, silly,special, gay friend? Sorry Jade,this might take months. But i still love you.
So I decided to stay at home,in my warm bed to be precise, sipping a hot chocolate that happens to be my favorite drink,a bowl of cookies and doing something more meaningful, reviewing my new year's resolutions.There are a couple of things I have accomplished and am very proud.
I can now wear my makeup and walk confidently without feeling like a twelve year old.Thanks to YouTube and my fast learning genes.
My lifestyle is healthier although am finding it hard to work out and drink lot of water.
I have learnt to save more and spend less.Trust me,this is the hardest thing ever.I once had a notion of getting someone to manage my bank account, but am over it now.
I have gotten myself a gnacologist,you know what they say about health and wealth?
I can give a lap dance too.Well, am still working on my pole dancing skills.
I had promised that I would be writing often, but I can't keep up with that pressure. Writing isn't easy but am working on other projects.
However, I feel transformed. I keep telling my friends that my growth game is strong and they make a big fuss about it.But honestly, my inner increment is vast.Iam happy whenever i spend some me time. And trust me guys, this is healthy. Go for walks, meditate,have some picnics in the gardens or woods.You can dump the home cooking and get a nice,private restaurant, order as many courses of meals as you wish and have it alone. Pick any relaxing activity that works for you.Just give yourself some love,its healthy.
Many people don't believe in new year's resolutions. But you know what I think,a times it takes a written down note or a reminder set somewhere in order for a thing to be done.It's not late yet.

OBSESSION

Growing up wasn't hard for me,I got whatever I wanted, apart from huge gifts and expensive vacations.Well,I still receive my monthly allowances courtesy of my parents. I may not have gone to a "group of International Schools" but trust me, it was a decent one. I thought I was like other children until i started noticing some unusual behaviors. I loved neatness and perfection, which was more of exaggeration than girlish. I remember getting angry when a teacher would erase the writing board and leave some writings. I have always been a neat freak since. Some months ago, I was diagnosed with OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER (O.C.D),A condition which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings or behaviors that drive them to do certain things. Sometimes it crushes me, but other times I view it as a good fortune.My case isn't serious and I always pray that it never gets out of hand. its always hard to share our experiences in life.But I decided to talk about what I go through and all the crazy things i do. I am always double checking everything.am the type of person who will wake up in the middle of the night, like two or three times to check if the gas cooker or electricity is switched off. so the next time am late for an appointment or a date, its probably because I went back home to confirm if I had locked my door. something that i do very time.I talked to my mum about this but she brushed it Off. Water is my best friend,Yeah literally. I am always taking showers many times a day and washing my hands every time I touch something.Sometimes my hands get affected because of too much water. When it comes to arranging things like shoes,clothes and utensils, I like to do it perfectly and in a certain way,after doing laundry, I ensure to use clothes pegs of the same color.I have no problem with this and that's why i keep on saying that O.C.D is divine.I have also wanted everything to be even ; Like when I trip and hurt my leg, i will have to hit the other leg.I know its funny, but you know the cutest thing here? I am obsessed by number three.I prefer purchasing things in threes or the ones that are packed in threes.Surprisingly when I am tapping someone or something , I have to do it three times.Honestly, I dont know whats cute about this. i hate sharing my personal things and i cant stand when people get in contact with my bedding's.I hate public washrooms and vehicles too. When am going up or down the stairs,I make sure to count them,and if I get distracted while in the process,I have to start from the first staircase.When i see decorated tiles or foot paths,I create my own imaginary pattern and walk believing it will bring me luck. The scariest thing about this condition is that it gives one intrusive thoughts.I am always thinking of bad things happening to my loved ones; and i keep on getting a feeling that if am there with them, nothing bad would happen.I get to assume that everything I think about must happen and all these circumstances makes me feel different from others. To all my O.C.D friends,talk and write about it.Have fun and seek help,its never a curse.