MY MENTAL LOAD.

 I bet we all long for a peaceful weekend after a tiresome week and we meticulously plan on what we would prefer to do.Probably a mini_vacay, some gardening, trying those complicated recipes,a relaxing moment in a spa, you name it.

My plan was to stay indoors indunged in a podcast,a movie marathon or work on my book that i took off my mind six months ago.But let's say I was bribed to do other things."I want you to accompany me to this work event on Friday evening, it will go on till Saturday. It's a yes or a yes"Jade was straightforward. No thanks,I prefer waking up in some pyjamas. My energy can't handle emotional noise at the moment and i would rather spend the day talking to my green babies. I knew he wouldn't take my no. "First of all,it will be a small intimate thing. If it sucks your energy,i promise to take you to a spiritual retreat and also treat you to your favorite Ethiopian spot for lunch next week. Honestly this might be a perfect chance to showcase your designs.It will be a very porsche event, trust me. I will be picking you up and remember my colleagues can be nosy and weird.

That's how I found myself in this nice location, filled with nice fresh air, eating small portions of food and sorrounded by strangers. Don't get me wrong,I love strangers.Well, they can be shameless but they are more honest.                      "Do you work here? Your dress is beautiful but also revealing. People were staring when you walked in.But you youngins should use this time before your body changes.After giving birth,so much happens". The lady across curtly tells me. Um, thank you. I'm a plus one and I made the dress. I don't mind the stares,I always prefer giving a show.Also I don't want to ever give birth. I bluntly tell her.

I'm that girl who isn't afraid of speaking her mind. The thing is I can't carry a pregnancy due to a state of willingness. I have always loved babies and I think i would want to be a mom someday. I have occasionally imagined of cutely dressing them, biting their cheeks, introducing them to my plants/my favorite moon phases, taking pictures everyday and just documenting everything.

Allow me to take you a while back when i was in primary school, getting introduced to reproductive health.My teacher used to say the cervix will open for 10 centimeters when giving birth.Trust me that's when my nightmare begun,it instilled a massive fear.Everytime when I'm in the bathroom I used to check my lady parts and wonder how it will happen.Honestly,I still do. Like, I don't understand the female body anatomy, but if that never gave you chills,bravo.

I have heard traumatic birth stories, how women get vaginal tears, huge complications,loose their teeth, breaking their backs, etc.The worst thing is some of these, will be a permanent mark in your body. Forgive me if i ain't that strong but I can't put my body through all that. I have had numerous conversations with friends and strangers who've had babies and honestly i usually feel  like they withhold information. Like what's wrong with you, spill everything.

Everytime i see a pregnant woman, I'm always tempted to ask if they are ready for the whole journey, if it was planned or the reason they are doing it. Occasionally,I have told people about my phobia but no one seems to share my sentiments. They're all ready and quick to judge me, how I'm selfish and modernized. They also say that mwanamke ni uchungu, sorry hun i ain't cut from that cloth. I be fighting for my life when cramping, you think I can handle more? I also understand that the experiences vary, but I'm i supposed to give it a trial to find out?

I remember someone telling me that i would never find an African husband who would would agree with my thoughts. I don't intend to get involved with one, no offense but we should give our brothers the benefit of the doubt, right? I hope you are all doing it for the right reasons not because you have to.You don't have to follow a social construct boo.

My point is,I can stand nine months of mood swings, throwing up, cravings, not fitting in my clothes, etc but before the doctors come up with a painless, easy procedure,I will continue saving for a surrogate. I'm sure I won't be missing out on anything. Also remember when in doubt, don't.

THE OTHER SIDE OF OCD.

     A lot has  been happening globally and all we can do is take care ,dig out some information and pray really hard( i'm  sure we all have a deity that we beleive in)                        So last night i was  trying to make some chocolate pancakes(a recipe i will share with you one of these days) as i scrolled my phone checking out some funny pictures ''memes'' online. And that's how my night was ruined.It was a picture of a guy who had diagnosed himself to have OCD just because he had cleaned his house,something that he hadn't done for months.And now because of the epidemic,he felt like he was on a house arrest and the only thing he could do was clean.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

You've probably heard a person say that they are OCD at a particular day,right? Just because they've decided to do their laundry or do dishes that were pilled on the sink for a week.I want to let you know that ocd is not all about cleanness rather there are other symptoms.OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder.The person experiences intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviours.Is it some kind of a mental disorder? Does it affect someone from living a nomal life?You are asking all that,sure  it does. People with this condition have a certain fear in them.Let's look at some of their symptoms.

1:Always have an urge to wash their hands and keep thinking of the germs.
2:They keep on checking things,eg they will keep on confirming if the door is locked and wake up many times to check if the gas cooker is turned off.
3:Obsessed with counting eg when they are using the stairs,they will count every step and might start over again if interrupted.
4:They have their way of arranging things.eg shoes,clothes,utensils,etc
5:They might ask for reassuarance from someone about something.They want perfectionism.
6:They have bothering intrusive thoughts .eg they might have a thought about something bad happening to their loved ones and might feel that they are the only ones who can save them.
7:They really suffer from anxiety.

Note that these symptoms varies alot.Whatever a certain person is experiencing might be different from the other one.And some are serious than others.So just because you are sanitizing your hands every five minutes,doesn't mean you have ocd. Let's understand them and avoid making fun especially at this moment which is hard for them.Stop the ignorance.

A LETTER TO MY YOUNGER SELF

Dear mini me,
I'm sure you're wondering why I have been taking too long to contact you..Honestly,there's no valid reason,I have just been  cought  up in this messy life. I'm sorry though.One thing you ought to know is that adulting is very hard and interesting at the same time.I bet you are now in your teens,getting used to your body changes and struggling with those mean bullies in school,please don't let them get into you.Oh! there's also the curfews at home ,mandatory boarding school attendance and a constant reminder that it's all for the best ,trust me it is. It's okay if you find mathematics to be tough,you won't be the only one.Try to do your assignments though.Please be careful while taking  those naked trips to the bathroom,you might get caught one day.

There's always  a time for everything,you've probably heard that saying.And the other one about good things taking time.Wait,do they mean the same thing? Anyways, you are twenty years now and you've outgrown so many people,especially your friends.You haven't had a boyfriend yet,not even your first kiss.Honey,there's nothing wrong with you .Be careful though,because the strings of boys you are about to give your heart to,aren't heaven sent.But the people you are supposed to watch keenly are your friends because some of them are very envious and will do anything to mess you up.Always remember not to break the trust your parents have on you.

You've always wanted to work as cabin crew and your dream of going to an Aviation school will come true.But it will come a time when you will be stuck whether to pursue it or to focus on your writing. Keep on writing and read alot.Embracing new things,meeting people and attending events will give you exposure.Please get to know that man pretty well before dating him,never rush anything.Don't settle with just any one,keep your high standards and feel afraid to pop up babies until it's the right time.Incase of anything,always speak up.I want to tell you a thing that no one did,something that you always debating in your mind.You are different,so it's time you stopped explaining yourself to everybody ,they will never get it.And do you know another thing that makes you unique? Your powerful intuition,pay attention and make use of it. It's a huge rewarding gift.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD) is really going to mess with your life,something you aren't ready for.Get a therapist before it's too late.Pay regular visits to your gynecologist also, it's time you started having those pap smears.Life will never be easy but you will pull through.The universe got you.
 
                       From your older self,Brenda

23 THINGS I HAVE LEARNT IN MY TWENTIES.

1: Life will never be fair,miracles happen though.

2: Patty Smith was right when sang that sometimes love just ain't enough.Atleast you will need peace and tons of money.

3: Some of your friends have been hating since day one,learn to meticulously pick them though.

4: Make sure to always fit both the shoes before making a purchase.

5: You know that "bitch karma"?trust me she's real.

6: Remember that high school teacher  that kept telling you to abstain from sex until later in life,he/she was right. There's always time for everything.

7: You might  be rich and succeed in tipping God every now and then but  you will never buy your way in life.

8:No one will ever talk about their failures ,so don't be fooled.

9: People will talk if you do good or bad,so do you.Remember life has no rules.

10: Humble yourself or the universe will do it for you.

11: Whatever belongs to the devil will go back to the devil,always choose the right path.

12: Don't just network with  people your own age.

13: Always trust your instincts  and never ignore those red flags.

14: Waking up early will never be fun,ever.

15:Your parents will always have your back and most of the times,they are right.

16: Learn to keep track of your finances.

17: Try new things,learn new skills and when you get  a chance  to travel ,please take it. There's more to life than hiding yourself in your tiny villages.Get exposed.

18: There's always going to be someone more attractive,talented,accomplished,etc than you.

19:. Learn to keep your opinions to yourself,atimes no one cares.

20: Love your body,these people whom you're envying and comparing yourselves to,have insecurities too.Majority are fake and the only thing

they have is a photoshopping skill.

21: If it's not good for your mental health,it's time you said no to it.

22: Don't pop up those babies if you don't have a good plan.

23: Never run short of cereals and garlics in your kitchen.

23: 40 RANDOM FACTS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

I just want to share  some of the facts  you've never known about and maybe afterwards,we might be friends or "twins" who knows?

1: I'm very spiritual.I believe in universe,I talk to universe and I love universe.I also believe in God,something that i really  argue about,because I have never known if am into Christianity or  Pantheism.

2: I can wake up very early without an alarm and maintain that schedule.

3: I'm OCD(Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and I kind of struggle with anxiety issues.

4: I never forget people's faces nor their names.

5: I have psychic abilities.I can predict many events and atimes I always feel as if I can read minds.(Honestly,it's more than that,but one thing for sure is ,my intuition is very powerful).

6: I have never worn a watch.

7: I love fashion and uniqueness.

8: I can't stand cobwebs,spider webs,dust webs.I fear them so much.

9:  My first love will always be reading and writing.I wrote my first  piece while in highschool,it was  a script like.And I started reading way back when I was very young.

10:I admire confident people.

11: I have always loved reality shows,I think that's one of the reasons I started a YouTube channel.

12: I got my first job when I was 19.(I was a rich student).

13: I love to watch what I eat,but it's like sometimes I don't really care.I have never had body image issues.

14: I have a scar on my tummy due to a surgery and because of all that, some people usually think I'm a mom. The only thing I have "given birth "to are my articles and some discoveries that I haven't made public yet.

15: I tend to ask many questions/personal ones,even to strangers.Am I nosey? Yes iam.Im very observant too.

16: I always check under the bed everytime before sleeping.I mean everytime.If I wake up in the middle of the night  to pee or to eat,I will definitely do it.

17: I often wake up in the middle of the night to eat.

18: I genuinely love life and keeping time.

19: I'm an ambivert.

20: I'm such a crying baby.I will cry when am happy,sad,watching something,etc.I think emotional is my other name.

21: I care for my family so much and I love my parent's home.

22: I have a don't care attitude and this strong faith that can move mountains.

23: I hate alcohol and I can't stand people who smoke weed.No offense but they have this lousy smell.

24: I only love the hair on my head.(Still saving for a laser removal on other parts)

25: If I were to be reicarnated,I would wish to be Shonda Rhimes.

26: I believe in Karma.

27: I'm so very good in detaching myself from people.

28: I'm very picky on what i

watch.

29: I'm always writing a story in my head.

30: I'm very secretive.

31: I don't like school. I'm educated and learned though.

32: I have never had an issue with anybody's sexuality,religional believes,etc.But are we even allowed to have issues with any of that?Definitely not.

33: Black is my favourite colour.

34: Soul music makes me happy.

35: I'm allergic to anything cold and dusty.My body will react so fast everytime am in contact with those two.Most of the mornings I will wake up sneezing (heavily and countless times,I might also loose my voice) also when I drink something cold regardless of the  warm weather.

36: Cats or dogs? I ain't a cat person.I always admire dogs and imagine myself in this huge house with many of them but honestly,I can't stand a moving fur near me.Sorry animal lovers.

37: I fear escalators.

38:I hate underwears.

39: I hate being forced to do something i ain't  willing to do.

40: I love my tea spicy.

21:TIPS FOR A HAPPY VAGINA.

   If you are a woman then I'm sure at some point  you've experienced some trouble down there.From an itch,foul smell ,rashes,to a bothering discharge.And if you've never,chances are you might.Below are some of the observations you should  be Keen on.

1: Have a gynecologist- Make sure to often involve screenings and checkups in your schedules.Some infections may cause huge problems if not detected early.

2: Ditch that undewear -Why do people suffocate themselves? Never let anyone crucify you for going commando,but if you can't then make sure to take it off at night.Your lady parts need to breath .Also avoid wearing tight clothes to bed. Again,if you have to wear the undies,make sure they are dry and well aerated.So it's time you took them out of your bathroom.

3: Wiping from front to back after washroom visits- This is hard and uncomfortable but it will keep away the bacterias causing infections.

4: Include unsweetened yorghuts in your diets- They have live and active cultures for health ph levels. It helps in curbing yeast infections too.Also remember to keep your water bottle near.

5:Have a specific/ dry towel - Everytime I talk to people into buying a vagina towel,they end up making fun but it's one of the most important items you can own.

6: Never hold pee -The next time you feel like peeing,just run and let it out.Or else you will be encouraging  bacteria build up which may lead to urinary tract infections and kidney diseases.

7: Always practise safe sex - Did you know some infections,urinary tract infection  to be precise is so easily  and unknownily transmitted through  sex?

8: Washings your hands before visiting the washroom- Your hands are prone to so many endangering germs,and you may end up accidently touching yourself.

9: Do self tests- You need to know what happens inside your body.Check yourself often and smell your clothes/ parts if you have to.You need to know how to detect if there's something wrong going on.Even if it's not huge.

10: Avoid sitting on public toilet seats and also be careful  with splashes.

   Always remember that  regardless of being celibate you are still prone to some infections.There will always be cases like pregnancies,period cycles,medications,etc that  will lead to hormonal changes.So it's time  people ,especially men stopped being ignorant.

SECRETS FOR MY GLOWING SKIN.

     "The secret behind an amazing skin is to mind your own business and to not let  anyones's dusty son mess with you".This is the answer you will get when you try to inquire why a person has a nice skin.Many people have  really tried to know what I use on my face,and apart my good genes below is what you supposed to try.

1:Teach yourself to drink lot of water_This will help in flushing out the toxins that aren't needed in your body.
2: Change your pillow cases often_There 's always dirt from oils that will definitely damage your face.
3: Know your skin type.Is it normal,oily or dry?This will help you everytime you are buying facial products.Just because a product works for somebody,doesn't mean it will work on yours too,always know that.
4: Wash /cleanse before bedtime_When washing your face,be gentle on it.Also avoid using hot water.You should know that pores need to be opened while you are asleep.You don't have to oil your face when sleeping too.
5: Avoid touching your face./always store your soaps and products on a clean surface.
6: Get enough of sleep_ You will avoid dark circles,have more rest and glow more.We all need some beauty sleep
7: Avoid alcohol_ It dehydrates and ages your skin.It messes your hormones too.
8:Invest in facials and steams,you can also do your steaming at home.
9:Never prick the pimples_You have to be displined here,or else they may spread to other areas or may lead to wounds.
10: You are what you eat_Watch what you feed on.

I hope it helps you to get the glow you've always wanted.

19: WHAT'S IN MY KIONDO/WHAT EVERY GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO CARRY.

Have you ever visited a public washroom or you are in a restaurant and a person approaches you and they ask for some tissues or wipes?  I guess you have. Honestly,I don't like borrowing, neither do I love sharing.
I'm a such a kiondo lover.At the moment I'm carrying a medium size which I feel is so versatile.So let's check what's inside.
1: A sanitizer-You are always walking in public areas touching so many things and shaking people's hands ,you will be prone to germs.
2: Umbrella -I bet no one needs her hair wet from the rain nor her make-up ruined.With this unpredictable weather, that's one of the things you will need.My mum will always tell me "Mwaari  I gatambaa"(a woman will always need a scarf) Well, probably a scarf is the other necessity.
3: Tissues/Tampons/Wipes - Incase of unexpected periods and spillages,you will be soughted out.
4:A packet of condoms - You haven't made up your mind about abstaining from sex, right? It's time you learnt to be responsible.
5: Purse/Wallet- Always carry some cash with you.
6:I have a small kit where I keep twezzers, safety/bobby pins, sewing threads/needles,flash drives,etc.You should have one to.
7:I have this amazing tiny tripod stand that I will always carry everywhere incase I want some vlogs or pictures and I don't want to bother anyone.
8: A note book/a pen-A times we need some to do lists and to record some events down, right?
9:A wig cap-If you don't own yours,you will be forced to wear used ones or spend an extra coin, everytime you are shopping for hairs.
10:A book-  I'm such a big reader and I have so many books in my phone.But there's always something awesome about

turning pages.You see those moments when you are waiting for someone or you in a car bored and most probably you can't use your phone?
11:My lucky charm- I'm always doing positive journalling, like I will write amazing things about myself in different papers and I will carry them everywhere.
We all have different believes, if something makes you feel good when you look at it,why can't you carry it everywhere.
  So, what in your bags people?

18 : MY FORGONE LOVE

Do you find yourselves reminiscing and making wishes? Most probably wondering why a specific thing never occured or regretting why it occured.And maybe hating yourself for the decision you made that has finally changed everything.You can't even share it because you are afraid of people thinking you are a loser,right?But then again you roll your eyes,snap your fingers,curse out loudly and convince yourself that it was bound to happen and life happens all the time anyway.
If life never happened,I would be touring the world,living in some expensive villas,making injeras(my love for injera is on another level) and married to Tesfay,an Eritrean hunk of a guy whom I dated for a while.He was rich in love and had made it clear that he wanted me for a wife.Never hesitated to introduce me to his family.Tey,as I would call him,was appealing in all aspects.He's the only man I know who understood the importance of candlelighted dinners in a woman's life.He used to pick me up every Saturday,go for shopping and everytime we would argue whether to go to movies first or an eatout.We would later pick up some spicy food and drive so far away listening to Arabic music.He would make sure to hold my hand and sing along everytime.
The next time a person tells you nothing last forever,please believe them.Things went South and our love hit the rocks.You wondering what happened?who cheated on who,right?No one,I just couldn't handle the commitments,considering I was so young,I felt the pressure was to much.Getting married and having babies at a young age has never been my thing.I had to set him free and trust me,it never ended so we'll.I broke him so much.
I thought everything would be normal but my life fell apart and my heart been ripped since.I have gone for so many dates but I just can't stand the guys,had a few one-night stands but trust me that didn't work either.I can't stop envying the love birds on the streets and do you know the worst thing?Sad love songs that hit so hard when am alone.Jaden keep insisting that most probably men aren't my type,that I was meant to be a "vaginatarian".How am the only straight person in my circle is still a mystery.I think that's the price I will forever pay for breaking an innocent being.

17:NORMS

Apart from snores,I hate mornings.I have never been a morning person and I wonder how people do it.How do you survive your mornings?
So yesterday I had to wake up early because I was attending an interview.Not just an ordinary one but with the biggest media firms in Nairobi,who've been in need of a gossip columnist.Thanks to Jade,he's heaven sent.You all remember Jaden,right?
Did I mention that I hate interviews?I mean this is the only place that you will sit silently,pretending that you are calm and let a group of people sort of make fun of you.I once attended one and this guy wanted to know if I had kids and proceeded to ask if I was expectant.He didn't seem to buy my answers though,so he kept pushing and others were laughing.It was creepy and insulting.
If you don't own a car,then you probably know how frustrating it is to use matatus in the mornings.Dirty-wet seats,foul smelling and moody passengers.Not forgetting the loud music.My question has always been how the driver is able to identify the different genre to play and in specific time.Like we will listen to gospel music in the morning,hip-hop in the midday to reggae/dancehall in the evening.Am a big sucker for Tank and I listen to him everytime I get a chance to.I think that's a definition of real loyalty.
Seated next to me was a guy who was playing some games in his phone while cursing everytime he lost and received glares from a woman across,who kept glancing at her watch very often There's also this lady who was asleep,how people get the comfort to sleep during short journeys still shocks me.
The ambiance suddenly changed when the radio was turned on and there was a heated argument between these two gentlemen in a certain show.My wishes of wanting a female in that show,still need to be taken care of.They were talking about what women are/aren't supposed to do.Callers were crazily giving their opinions and using all sort of irritating words.
Ever been a victim of sexism?Have you met a group of guys fighting and one tells another to stop being a" woman/acha umama"?I have and i think it's sad and depressing to live in an era where people are so ignorant.
Where it's considered okay for a grown man to live with his mother and depend on his family,because apparently guys are supposed to be close to their mothers. Isn't it what we say?We also call them eligible bachelors,right?Did you know that it's "okay"for them to sleep around?
But it's always an issue to unmarried women or who don't want to get married.And we keep asking them when they will have babies.They are slut shamed because of having too much sex and talking about sexuality.Dear men,we are also in need of amazing orgasms and a choice/voice when it comes to our bodies.
Women have a right to dress to their choice,it's about whatever that makes them feel good.Its shameful to judge a woman's body and not cool at all to accuse them of greed for money or label them as opportunistic when they are working really hard for it.Because just like men we also deserve to have a good life.
We've all seen strong women,females who can do "men" jobs,who play sports(which is so underrated).So,let's empower them and respect single mothers.Because they're our mothers,daughters,wives,in-laws and friends.I understand atimes you feel intimidated by them.
To all ladies,never entertain stereotypical remarks from men nor take them lightly.
And if you still think that a woman's place is in the kitchen:to cook,clean,look good for men and kneel down on the doorstep waiting for you to come home at midnight,then we will really want to question who raised you.